CO2 EMISSIONS CUT BY LAUGH
Prime Minister Scott ‘Waving, Not Marketing’ Morrison has announced that between now and 2030, “We will reduce our carbon emissions by half.”
But the Department of Environment claims our CO2 emissions will be reduced from 532 million tonnes to 511 million tonnes.
“That’s half,” said a numbness man from the PM’s office. “It’s six of one and half a billion of the other.”
A spokeswoman explained the math. “If you have one elephant in the room and I cut it in half, you will have half an elephant in the room. Please ignore the other half of the elephant and the bloody guts on the carpet. This is consistent with our Paris agreement obligations.”
MEDIA FRENZY OVER MEGHXIT TO GO ON AND ON FOR NEXT 20 MINUTES
The public’s heartfelt dismay and outrage at the abdication of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is expected to hit fever pitch then evaporate in the next 20 minutes.
An onlooker looking on said, “The Royal crisis is bound to be swamped by shocking news that is actually shocking news.”
For example, two newlywed members of a rural family have bought a Prius and moved to Adelaide. Rural watchers say the young man’s grandmother is “devastated”.
The Queen has announced that The Duke and Duchess of Sussex may no longer use their HRH titles, as if the American speakers circuit will know the difference.
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL TO BE BIGGEST FIZZER EVER
Hopes are high for the impeachment of US President Donald Trump to be the biggest let-down in American political history since Hillary Clinton.
The trial by television will be mostly commercials.
A Trump lawyer in a baseball cap declaring ‘Make America Grope Again’ said, “To keep the Senate trial fair, there will be no witnesses or evidence. Or senators.”
A spokeswoman for Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell said, “We’re skipping the trial and going straight to error.”
SCIENCE MINISTER TALKING CRAZY
In a radical kamikaze move, Science Minister Karen Andrews has met with scientists to discuss science, physics and other scams.
But a government spokeswoman wearing tinfoil goggles said, “It's not rocket science – it’s racket science!”
In a disappointing development, The Australian newspaper accidentally printed an editorial admitting climate change is real. The person responsible has been fired, literally.
In other news…
GOVT SPORTS GRANT SPENT ON SHIFTING GOALPOSTS
2020 POLITICAL CORRECTNESS SUPERIOR TO 2019 POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
‘MEDICINAL CANNABIS’ A GATEWAY DRUG TO ‘MEDICINAL METH’
CORONAVIRUS “UNDER CONTROL” IN WORLD’S MOST POPULOUS NATION
EXTINCTION REBEL GETS MUM TO DO HOT-WATER WASHING
AVERAGE TRIPLE-J LISTENERS GETTING SO OLD THEY’RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NOISE